From Pain to Peace
Part I
My Search for Answers in a World of Power-Over Tactics
The Agonizing Pain With No Name:
I remember the exact sensation: the feeling that "I" was just a tiny observer, trapped inside a body that was no longer mine. This body raged, screamed, and picked up a wooden Bokken sword, smashing everything in sight. I was a hostage in a robotic suit gone haywire. It felt like demonic possession.
When the storm subsided, only confusion and shame remained. "What happened?" For three days, in extreme exhaustion, I'd lock myself away, trying to make sense of it. This happened multiple times in my last marriage.
I later realized these were not demonic possessions or breakdowns of character; they were autistic meltdowns—the direct, physical result of pent-up pain from my ex-husband's relentless power-over tactics. My body was screaming what I could not.
There is a deep irony at the core of my story: I never had a meltdown until my ex-husband, and I didn't even know I was autistic until after I left him. The very relationship that sought to erase me became the catalyst that revealed my true nature. The meltdowns that terrified me were not a sign of my brokenness, but of my biology—a nervous system, pushed to its absolute edge by relentless dignity violations, finally declaring a state of emergency.
The aftermath of that eight-year marriage left me with severe brain fog, silencing the writer who had once connected with millions through a spiritual blog. For three years, my nervous system worked to repair itself, slowly reclaiming the ability to think and write with clarity. It was in the wreckage that I found the missing piece of myself and began to understand the profound connection between dignity and neurological safety.
That difficult marriage became the unexpected catalyst, the alchemy that forged my deep understanding of human dynamics. I am now returning to my mission—not as a channel for the universe, but as a fellow human, writing from the ground of my own lived experience.
And so, if you've ever left a conversation feeling small, sick to your stomach, or filled with a rage impossible to contain—if you've ever been told you're "too sensitive" or that you "can't take a joke"—if you've ever felt so overwhelmed you just went silent, unable to find the words to defend yourself—this is for you. Your pain has a name. And your journey to peace starts here.
The Sci-Fi Fantasy and the Paradox
I love sci-fi. I used to fantasize about traveling back in time to give my younger self a manual on life and human relations, to spare her the pain. But I soon realized this was a paradox. The very pain I wanted to erase was what forced me onto a soul-searching journey that led me to the answers.
Since I can't change my past, I'm sharing what I learned with you, the message I wish my younger-self would have received.
The Social Norm of Silent Aggression
My story is an extreme version of a universal experience. I was raised in a culture where hierarchy was law, and "power-over" was the water we swam in. It was in the toxic consensus that shame is a motivator, punishment is discipline, compliance is virtue, and seniority grants an entitlement to control.
These early experiences aren't just unpleasant; they shape our core sense of self. As John Bradshaw outlined in his seminal book Healing the Shame That Binds You, chronic dignity violations in childhood—like humiliation, neglect, and abuse—fuse our identity with “what I achieve or prove” rather than “who I am.” We learn to look outward for validation—our jobs, our roles, our appearances—because our inherent sense of worth has been fractured. I was living this out, looking for my worth in my relationships, only to have it systematically dismantled.
Finding the Words: Power-Over and Dignity
For decades, the pain was a silent scream inside me. Then, I found the words.
First, I heard researcher Brené Brown. She gave me the language for the behaviors that caused the pain. She defines power-over as a way to "circumvent and control people, and it's often done through fear, shame, and coercion." It's not about true leadership or influence; it's about domination. Finally, the external force had a name.
Later, I found the work of Dr. Donna Hicks, who identified the internal wound these tactics cause: dignity violations. She argues that unacknowledged dignity violations are at the root of most conflicts, from personal relationships to international wars.
The puzzle pieces of my life finally clicked into place.
Why It Hurts: It's Not You, It's Your Biology
This is the most validating part. The "agonizing pain" is not a weakness. It's a biological signal.
Neuroscience shows that social pain—like humiliation, exclusion, and power-over treatment—is processed in the same brain regions as physical pain. The ache, the nausea, the hot rush of anger—these are your nervous system's alarm bells.
Daniel Siegel, a pioneering neuropsychiatrist, explains this through interpersonal neurobiology. Our brains are social organs, and our sense of self is built in connection with others. When that connection is toxic or violating, it disrupts the integration of our brain, leading to a state of dysregulation—that feeling of being overwhelmed, fragmented, and out of control. My meltdowns were not a personal failing; they were my brain and body's state of extreme dysregulation in response to relentless threat.
The Illusion of "Sticks and Stones"
We're taught the lie, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This is perhaps the most damaging untruth we learn.
My ex-husband was a master of weaponizing words. In trying to honor his "freedom of speech," I was silently swallowing dignity violations that were a catastrophe to my neurological health.
Dignity is a Felt Sense in the Body
So, what is this "dignity" that feels so violated? It’s not an abstract philosophy. It is a felt sense in your body, a state of neurological and biological integration.
A state of dignity feels: safe, stable, grounded, solid, calm, free-flowing, and strong.
A dignity violation feels like: constriction, tearing, agitation, sinking, shrinking, a hot rush of anger, or the urge to disappear.
As somatic trauma expert Staci Haines says, “Dignity is embodied safety. The body’s ability to inhabit itself without apology.” This aligns with Siegel's work on how a regulated nervous system allows us to feel a "felt sense" of coherence and well-being.
Dr. Hicks provides the foundational definition: “Dignity is our inherent value and worth as human beings; we are all born with it, and it is unearned. It is our birthright.” “When Dignity is violated,” she adds, “the psychological and emotional pain we experience is intense. It is a primal wound - like a physical injury to the soul.”
A Collective Awakening
The painful gift of my journey is clarity. If power-over dynamics were the norm in my home country, in America, and in Ireland, this is not a cultural problem. It is a human problem.
My story, and perhaps yours, is proof that humanity needs a collective awakening. We need a new understanding of human dynamics, rooted not in power-over, but in power-with.
We need to learn the language of dignity.
A Glimpse of the Way Forward
I learned that the opposite of a "power-over" dynamic is a "power-with" dynamic, where connection is built through mutual respect. The foundation for this is a conscious understanding of dignity.
Experts like Donna Hicks have mapped out exactly what this looks like in practice with 10 Essential Elements of Dignity—a guide for how to treat others and what to expect for yourself. This, along with the ability to spot power-over tactics, forms the complete toolkit I so desperately needed.
Read Part 2: The Dignity Toolkit: A Practical Guide to Identifying Power-Over Tactics and Honoring Human Worth
In the next part, we move from the "why" to the "how." I will give you the comprehensive lists and practical steps to protect your peace, validate your reality, and begin building relationships that feel safe, respectful, and truly connected. Your journey out of the fog starts there.
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