From Pain to Peace. Part 3: The Deeper Work

From Pain to Peace

Part 3: The Deeper Work: discerning the source of our pain.

Untangling Our Triggers and Expectations

Now that you have the tools to identify power-over tactics and understand dignity, a challenging but essential question arises: How do I know if my reaction is about a true dignity violation in the present, or a wound from my past? And how do I know if I'm the one violating someone else's dignity with my expectations?

This is the work that moves us from blaming others to empowered self-awareness. It's the difference between being a victim of your reactions and being the author of your responses.

The Neuroscience of Choice: Your Four-Chambered Brain

To understand how we move from blaming others to empowered self-awareness, the work of neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor in Whole Brain Living is invaluable. She offers a simple yet profound model: we can think of our brain as having four interconnected characters, based on the left and right hemispheres and their thinking/feeling functions.

This isn't about having multiple personalities; it's about recognizing which part of our brain is "running the show" at any given moment, especially when we're hurt.

Here’s a simple breakdown:

Brain "Character"	Its Role & Voice	What It Sounds Like in a Conflict
Left Thinking  (The Storyteller)	Logical, linear, judges right/wrong, lives in the past & future. Seeks to blame.	"Let's list all the ways they are wrong. This is their fault, and here's the evidence."
Left Feeling  (The Regimented Self)	Seeks order and control, follows social rules and expectations.  Focuses on "shoulds."	"I shouldn't feel this angry. They should have known better. I need to get myself under control."
Right Feeling  (The Empath)	Connects to the body, feels raw emotion and energy without a story. Lives in the present sensation.	"I feel a hot, tight clenching in my chest. There's a sinking feeling in my stomach."
Right Thinking  (The Alchemist)	Sees the big picture, connects us to unity and peace. Finds meaning and learns from experience.	"We are both hurting. This pain is a signal. What can I learn from this feeling?"

How This Plays Out in a Dignity Violation

When someone uses a power-over tactic on you, it's often your Left Thinking and Left Feeling characters that instantly react.

• Left Thinking immediately starts building a case: "That was condescending! How dare they? They always do this!" This is the blame cycle.

• Left Feeling locks you into the social rules: "I should be able to handle this. I shouldn't be so sensitive." This creates shame and pressure.

Together, they create a storm of judgment and blame, either directed outward at others or inward at yourself.

The path to empowerment is to consciously invite your right hemisphere characters to the table.

1. First, activate your Right Feeling. Pause and drop out of the story and into your body. Ask: "What do I feel physically? Tightness? Heat? Heaviness?" Just observe the sensation without judging it. This stops the story from escalating.
   
   
2. Then, engage your Right Thinking. From that calmer, more connected space, you can now ask the bigger questions: "What is this pain trying to tell me? Is this a past trigger, a present violation, or both? What is the most compassionate and effective way to handle this?”

This shift—from a Left-Brain reactive loop to a Whole-Brain responsive state—is how you stop being a victim of your reactions and become the author of your responses. It is the neurological foundation for the deeper work of discernment that follows.

The Wisdom of the Trigger: Listening to Your Past Selves

A "trigger" is more than just a buzzword; it's a neurological alarm bell. As explained by Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, our nervous system is constantly scanning for safety. A trigger occurs when a present-day event—even a minor one—unconsciously mirrors a past threat, catapulting our nervous system into a survival state (fight/flight or freeze/fawn/collapse) that doesn't match the current reality.

This is where the work of experts like Dr. Gabor Maté becomes crucial. He teaches that our strongest emotional reactions in the present are often not just about the present. They are frequently echoes of unresolved past experiences, especially from childhood, where our dignity was violated and we couldn't fight back or flee. The intense rage, the profound shutdown, the feeling of being "too much"—these can be the repressed emotions of a younger you, finally finding a voice.

To tell the difference between a present violation and a past trigger, ask yourself these questions:

• The Intensity Test: Does the reaction feel overwhelming and too big for the event? A casual comment from a coworker shouldn't lead to a day (or longer) of devastation. That intensity is a clue that an old wound (or compounded wounds) has been reopened.

• The Specificity Test: Is your reaction to what the person actually said/did, or to the story you're telling yourself about what it means? ("He disagreed with me" becomes "He's abandoning me, just like I felt as a child.") The narrative you're constructing points to the past. For example, the factual seed "He disagreed with me" instantly mutates into a catastrophic, unconscious narrative:

• The Story...which means he thinks I'm stupid and my perspective is worthless.” 
• The Catastrophe...which means he doesn't respect me as an equal.
• The Abandonment...which means he will eventually leave me because I'm not good enough.” 
• The Core Belief...and this proves what I've always felt: that my true self is unlovable.”

This happens due to over-identification. When we fuse our identity with our thoughts and opinions, they cease to be perspectives we hold and become the architecture of our self. The thought "I am right" morphs into "I am good, I am competent, I am." A disagreement is then subconsciously translated not as "They see this differently," but as "They are invalidating my existence," triggering a primal defense response. This is why we can feel so utterly shattered, not just disagreed with, but dismantled.

• The Pattern Test: Do you find yourself having the same intense feeling with different people in different situations? If the common denominator is you and the type of emotion, it's likely a trigger linked to a core wound.

What to do if you suspect it's a trigger:

1. Pause and Regulate. Don't react. Acknowledge: "This feels so big because it's touching on something old. I am safe in this moment." Use a breath or a grounding technique to calm your nervous system.
   
   
2. Get Curious with Compassion. Ask, "How old does this feeling make me feel? When is the very first time I felt this way?" This isn't about blaming your past, but about understanding it.
   
   
3. Thank Your Body. Your intense reaction is a message from a part of you that is still trying to be heard and protected. Acknowledge its effort.
   
   
4. Address the Present Situation Once Regulated. You can still set a boundary if needed, but from a place of clarity and strength, not from a place of raw, historical pain.

Examining Expectations: The Shadow of Entitlement

Sometimes, our anger doesn't come from a true dignity violation, but from an unmet expectation—an unspoken rule we have for how others should behave. This is where we must confront our own potential for wielding power-over.

The concept of the "Shadow," introduced by Carl Jung, is useful here. Our shadow contains the parts of ourselves we repress and deny. If we were raised in a power-over environment, we may have unconsciously internalized these tactics. When we feel entitled to control others because of our own unmet needs or unhealed wounds, we are often acting from our shadow.

Ask yourself these questions to check for unconscious entitlement:

• The "Should" Test: How many "shoulds" are in my thinking? ("He should know what I need." "She should be more productive.") These are often uncommunicated, and therefore unfair, rules.

• The Agreement Test: Did the other person actually agree to my expectation? We cannot hold people accountable for rules they never knew existed.

• The Autonomy Test: Am I trying to control someone else's behavior, feelings, or choices because I'm uncomfortable? Respecting another's independence is a core element of dignity.

What to do if you suspect your expectations are the problem:

1. Turn the Lens Inward. The issue may not be their behavior, but your expectation. Have the courage to own it.
   
   
2. Communicate Needs, Not Demands. Shift from "You should be more thoughtful!" to "I feel valued when you check in. It would mean a lot to me if you could try that.”
   
   
3. Practice Acceptance. This is where we confront the shadow of our own expectations. People are who they are. You can request change, but you cannot demand it. To deny someone the right to refuse your request is to violate their autonomy—it is an attempt to power-over them. Your inner peace is often found not in controlling others, but in accepting their fundamental right to self-determination.

The Path to Empowered Discernment

The goal of this deep work is not to invalidate your feelings, but to become a wise and compassionate leader of your own inner world.

• A true dignity violation is about a pattern of being diminished, controlled, or dehumanized. Your anger is a signal to protect yourself.

• A triggered reaction is a past injury or dignity violation crying out for attention. Your anger is a signal to comfort and heal that younger part of you.

• An entitlement reaction is about your own unmet needs or unhealed control patterns. Your anger is a signal to examine your expectations and communicate with more clarity and vulnerability.

This is the journey of a lifetime. It requires immense courage and self-compassion. But by doing it, you break the cycle of pain. You stop passing your triggers onto others, and you stop setting yourself up for disappointment with unfair rules. You move from reacting from your wounds to responding from your wisdom, creating a present that is no longer held hostage by the past.

A New Beginning: From Pain to Peace

This journey began with a scream—a moment of such overwhelming pain that the very self felt shattered. It began in the fog of confusion, shame, and the desperate search for a "why."

You have now been given the maps.

You have the Map of External Reality: The comprehensive list of power-over tactics that names the invisible forces that cause pain. This is your tool for diagnosis.

You have the Map of Our Shared Humanity: The 10 Essential Elements of Dignity, which outline the architecture of respectful, nurturing connection. This is your compass for a better way.

And finally, you have the Map of Your Inner World: The understanding of triggers, expectations, and the neuroscience of choice. This is your guide to self-mastery, allowing you to become the author of your responses.

These three maps together form a complete guide for the journey from pain to peace.

This is not a path of never feeling pain again. It is the path of reclaiming your authority. The authority to name what harms you. The authority to demand what honors you. And the profound authority to understand and lead your own inner world with compassion.

The "agonizing pain" was never a sign of your brokenness. It was the signal of your integrity. It was your entire being—your nervous system, your psyche, your soul—refusing to accept a violation of its sacred worth. Now, you have the language to understand its message and the tools to answer its call.

The work ahead is a practice, not a perfection. You will sometimes default to old patterns. There will be days the fog rolls back in. But now, you have a North Star. You know what dignity feels like in your body, and you can navigate toward it.

Carry these maps with you. Use them to protect your peace. Use them to build relationships where power is shared, not wielded. Use them to break the cycles you inherited and to create a new legacy, one conscious, dignity-honoring interaction at a time.

Your journey from pain to peace is the bravest thing you will ever do. It is also the greatest gift you can give to a world that so desperately needs more wisdom, more compassion, and more peace. It starts with you.